The third difficult person is the people pleaser who is noticeably people-oriented as opposed to the task-oriented aggressive and complainer. He agrees with everyone. Consequently, the people pleaser is indirect in his difficult behavior. He creates negative conflict when he promises everyone what they want to hear. The result is unmet expectations because the people […]
Leading the People Pleaser Through Listening (Proverbs 18:2; 26:22-25, 27-28: 29:5)
Leading the Complainer Through Listening: Teaching Excellence Rather Than Perfection (Proverbs 20:9; 28:13; 13:14; 24:13-14)
Is the complainer in your life a perfectionist? If so, he, most likely, possesses a propensity to learn. Consequently, we can teach him how excellence, not perfection, is God’s design. Teaching excellence rather than perfection to the complainer means that we communicate how God intends us to manage our expectations. Proverbs, meaning generally true, most […]
Leading the Complainer Through Listening: Rephrase Absolute Statements with a Question (Colossians 4:5-6; Proverbs 27:9; 10:21; 14:8)
Questions generate answers, but statements produce resistance. Questions are imperative when leading a complainer through listening. Because he sees issues as black and white (right or wrong), the complainer fights to be right and is notorious for making absolute statements that leverage the words always and never. For example, “You never call me!” When we […]
Leading the Complainer Through Listening: Encourge (1 Thessalonians 5:14; Proverbs 12:25; 15:23)
Can you think of someone who has discouraged you? Now picture someone who has encouraged you. Here’s the big question. Which person resembles you? Encouragement includes the Latin, cor, which means “heart.” An encourager breathes life into the hearts of others. A discourager sucks the life right out of them. Encouraging is imperative when leading […]
Leading the Complainer through Listening: Comfort (Proverbs 16:24; 25:11)
Our first step in leading a complainer through listening is to comfort him, connecting with his heart. Comfort literally means “to call along side.” It comes from the Latin, com meaning “together” and fortis which is translated “strong.” Comfort strengthens together. Comforting a complainer means that we come alongside him and communicate the words, “I […]
Leading the Complainer through Listening (Philippians 2:14)
Do you frequently encounter a complainer in your life? How does each interaction make you feel? The second difficult person is the direct hitter known as the complainer. A complainer whines for at least four reasons: (1) he fears being misunderstood; (2) he focuses on the negative; (3) he fights to be right, seeing issues […]
Leading the Aggressive through Listening: Give Wise Choices (Proverbs 8:10; 16:16)
Do you ever feel hopeless in your attempts to deal with the strong will of an aggressive person? Solomon offered a secret to leading the aggressive through listening. In order to direct the aggressive toward wisdom, we must offer choices to the aggressive so that he is not robbed of his will: “Choose my instruction […]
Leading the Aggressive Through Listening: Confront Lovingly (Proverbs 25:12; 15:31; 28:23)
How do you confront the aggressive in your life? By text? Through email? Possibly, not at all? We must lovingly confront the aggressive: “Like an earring of gold or an ornament of fine gold is a wise man’s rebuke to a listening ear” (Proverbs 25:12). Confront literally means “face to face.” Confronting by text, telephone, […]
Leading the Aggressive Through Listening: Ignore Insults (Proverbs 12:16)
What is your first reaction to an insult? Do you reciprocate or debate its validity? The aggressive designs and deploys an insult to generate a reaction — one that gives him control. When we do not react, the insult is defused. We must ignore insults, rather than immediately showing our annoyance. Solomon taught: “A fool […]
Leading the Aggressive Through Listening: Answer Gently (Proverbs 15:1)
Does the aggressive in your life ratchet up his tone to get what he wants? The aggressive will be loud, so rather than be intimidated by the volume, answer gently. Solomon said: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). A harsh word just adds fuel to anger’s […]
Leading the Aggressive (James 1:19)
Do you have an aggressive person in your life? The aggressive raises the volume of his voice in order to take control of the task at hand. The volume increases as the conflict escalates. He often sees victory defined by the axiom, “The loudest voice wins.” In order to take control of the person involved […]
Direct Difficult People Toward Wisdom like a Highway Sign (Proverbs 24:11-12)
After connecting, deflecting, and reflecting of difficult behavior, comes the directing. When the difficult person understands that we are engaged with his heart, he becomes more open to our suggestions. This is when we want to direct him toward wisdom. Often, this is most effective when we offer multiple wise choices. In one of the […]
Reflect the Heart like a Mirror (Proverbs 27:19)
When dealing with a difficult person, do you struggle to reflect that person’s heart in a way that communicates you understand his or her desires? Unfortunately, most of us rarely stay engaged long enough to get that far and see that deeply. Because so few people connect with a difficult person’s heart and even fewer […]
Deflect Difficult Behavior like a Shield (Proverbs 17:9)
In order to listen and lead the difficult person, we must make at least four wise movements: (1) connect with his heart like a Lego (Proverbs 20:5); (2) deflect his difficult behavior like a shield (Proverbs 17:9); (3) reflect his heart like a mirror (Proverbs 27:19); and (4) direct him toward wisdom like a highway […]
Connect with His Heart Like a Lego (Proverbs 20:5)
In order to listen and lead the difficult person, we must make at least four wise movements: (1) connect with his heart like a Lego (Proverbs 20:5); (2) deflect his difficult behavior like a shield (Proverbs 17:9); (3) reflect his heart like a mirror (Proverbs 27:19); and (4) direct him toward wisdom like a highway […]
Leading Difficult People Through Listening (James 1:19)
Have you ever encountered a difficult person? At least four exist. They include the aggressive, the complainer, the people pleaser, and the passive resistive. The first two are direct in their challenges. The latter two are indirect. Beware, the difficult person might be you! Each of us has a bent toward one of these behaviors; […]
Wisdom in Conflict Management Styles: Collaborate (Proverbs 11:27; 13:15; Philippians 2:3-4)
How often do you collaborate when you experience interpersonal conflict? God’s design for wise conflict management is that we work together to seek win-win solutions. Proverbs says that we find what we seek: “He who seeks good finds good will, but evil comes to him who searches for it” (Proverbs 11:27). In order to discover […]
Wisdom in Conflict Management Styles: Avoid (Proverbs 26:4-5; 20:3; 26:17)
Are you risking combat with a fool? Are you thinking of getting involved in a quarrel that is not your own without being asked? Perhaps, it’s time to consider how to avoid the person with whom you are experiencing tension. Proverbs provides two scenarios when we should avoid our counterpart in conflict. First, we should […]
Wisdom in Conflict Management Styles: Accommodate when the Relationship is of Greater Value than our Personal Stakes (Proverbs 17:9)
Are you experiencing a conflict where you are winning the argument, but potentially losing a valued relationship? Perhaps, it’s time to consider how to accommodate the other person. Proverbs provides four scenarios when we should accommodate our counterpart in conflict. First, we accommodate another’s interest when we are wrong. Second, we accommodate when the issue […]
Wisdom in Conflict Management Styles: Accommodate when Wrong (Proverbs 6:1-5)
Are you caught in a conflict that would dissolve if you would merely accommodate another person’s interest? Solomon offered four scenarios when it is wise to accommodate. First, we must accommodate another’s interest when we are wrong. Proverbs says that if we have been trapped by a foolish decision, then we should go, humble ourselves, […]